The depths of my will are largely unexplored, but there is no shame in potential, shame is brought by the journey and it is meant to break you. To break of shame, now that is truly shameful. I was once ashamed, to be of privilege, but now, I find myself stripped of privilege, naked, skin, with only my person and I am not ashamed. My life of privilege was gone, when I was 14, replaced by isolation, addiction and a struggle, to watch those privileged, as I once was, live, in a way, that was outside of my means.. It was then, the transition, from the top, to the bottom, that I found shame and was weak, slowly breaking and tested.
10 years, it took, for me to hit rock bottom.. To break, to have my cup full of shame, spilling over and as the cold liquid washed over my lap, I felt the touch of truth, for the first time, in a long time. Tonight, again, I feel its brittle cold touch and I am ashamed by it; I am being tested and I am breaking. Tears well in my eyes. I know, in the coming days, I face only more tests, ontop of my current load. I am burdened, to know that the depths of my will, are before me, and this journey has been 14 years in the making, 28 years old.. I find privilege again, toiling after the destination that is before me.. Privileged to be alive, to have family and friends, to be in good health, to be sober and to know that I only have better places to go, from this wretched life I have created for myself. I am near the end. The depths call, answering my request from so long ago. They say “Now, you are ready..Come.”
I am not ashamed by the call, but the fact that, at any moment, I could turn and run away, never looking back.. I always thought, I would jump at the chance to explore the depths, but still, I find cowardice.. No, Potential.