My dad is the source of my anxiety. He is what fuels it. Sometimes, he begins to say things to me, that he thinks are beneficial, but are actually self-serving. An emotional punching bag, I have witnessed him, make out of my entire family, at times. My sister, a recovering addict, my brother, an emotional mess beyond repair and myself, a recovering addict and self-saboteur.. These results, seem to escape him, shielded by.. Ego, maybe?
His words carried immense weight in my life, weight he did not respect, power, he had no restraint with.. So, I took that power away from him and removed him from my life. Slowly, I re-introduced him back, but even today, he does not have my full trust and for the sake of my sobriety, never will.
So, when his dad died and he asked me to join him, in one of the most emotional times of his life, to protect myself, I had to say “No” and he was so hurt by that and even blamed me for that hurt and in that moment, I knew I had made the right decision. Choke on it.