Socially, I have always been distant. This is because of a constant fear of anxiety. My anxiety is technically still undiagnosed, but I have spent a large part of my life working with individuals who have very severe anxiety and I see the similarities in myself at times. I have a deep, emotional distrust of my parents, because they are unaware of how my anxiety impacts me and believe that I should change being anxious, before they change how to approach me. Additionally, both of my parents are emotionally abused and thus, share this mentality that if they could deal with tough love from their parents, I can deal with it from them, but neither of them understand the impactful extent of their actions. My brother is an emotional eater, who is also developmentally disabled and weighs a whopping 500 pounds right now, still rising.
They blame me, for our strained relationship and I have learned to be OK with that, but it is their immense guilt over the relationships they share with us, that have really surprised me. Nowhere, have I read about the functions of guilt in this context and although I want to publish my observations, I believe the blog will be more suitable, as I want others who are struggling with this issue, to have an outlet to help rationalize what is going on and why.
I always used to believe my parents were normal and I was fucking nuts, but I see now that I am surprisingly normal, despite anxiety and the emotional abuse sustained. Honestly, I really do not know where I managed to pick up this disposition of being normal, in contrast to the fucking bullshit pushed onto me by my parents, but then again, maybe I am totally fucking nuts, I am open to the possibility. I will be using this outlet to detail the functions of guilt I have observed.