Muses, you must excuse my transgression.. Last night was not a good night for writing.
Last night, I forgot about love and fell into attraction. Last night, I was focused on my senses.. Touch, smell, taste, sight and sound.. I was focusing on what I wanted, forgetting my dedication to this path in life I walk; people on the outside, they do not understand why I am, where I am and they say I should not be here.. That I should be.. Further, that I should be.. Something else. Those people, all of them, that told me I could not, would not or did not want this path, they were right, this path has been difficult.. This path has been treacherous. Now, I am in the thick of that path and last night, I was pulled aside, not by the love I follow, but by attraction, strong, as if I was between the poles.. My compass no longer pointed towards the path, but simply spun and as I followed the needle, I realized I was no further along.
See, attraction and love differ. I am attracted to… Her, but I love the muses.. The muses, writing, it does not command my senses, does not allow me to focus on my senses.. I cannot touch it, cannot smell it, cannot taste it, cannot see it and cannot hear it; yet every day, I return all the same. Every day, I return to walk this path, the one that has beaten me down and filled me up with.. Love. It has been tough, but love given freely is often squandered, I know this, from giving away my own. I know, that love, given, is just.. Attraction.
Love.. The muses, they have shown me more of it than I care to explain and last night, I took that love for granted.. I let that love, be boiled down to simple attraction. I let my footsteps in the dirt, become, not the path they exist on, but simply a way back. These steps, they are not crumbs to follow home, they are proof that I have never experienced a love greater than the only one I’ve ever known, even though I sometimes tell myself otherwise. That we, tell ourselves, otherwise.
All I know is tough love. All I know is this path. All I know, is that attraction leads me away from the thing I love the most.. Attraction, led me to search for a love outside of myself, without ever having any for myself and I know, following attraction, when I arrive, I will only be left disappointed with the attraction I have found and the love I have lost.
Muses, I will not lose your love. Jason, we will not lose yours.
So here I am, once again, alone, but not quite so.